MY ILLNESS, MY FAULT?

An exploration of mental illness; how guilt and blame fit into the equation

By Aud

My disorder is fuelled by self-hatred. If she* can keep me trapped in a self-abusive cycle she has me all to herself.

Guilt therefore, comes in handy to her.

My guilt stems from my diagnosis. My illness is reinforced by this guilt. How convenient for the host-loathing parasite dwelling in my mind.

At the time of my diagnosis, one of the first things professionals tried to teach me, and my family was that this was no one’s fault.

Not mine.

Not my parents.

Basically, the point I had gotten to was achieved by a freak mix of circumstance and genetics. Logically, we all knew that there was no room for guilt and blame in this equation.

My childhood stuffed me up as much as the standard childhood does. Perhaps I did have extenuating circumstances which may have explained why I got sick. Even so, others went through identical circumstances alongside me and didn’t end up sick! (i.e. my twin sister.) Therefore, we knew this was not the consequence of one exact event, person or gene.

To help make this more palatable, the doctors equated my illness to that of a wholly physical disease. “You wouldn’t personally blame someone suffering from a cold for having a sniffily nose, would you?”,

“No, I wouldn’t”, I’d reply.

Obviously. Why would I? *cue teenage eye roll*

“Then you shouldn’t blame yourself for being scared of food.”

I saw the logic, but for some reason the latter was harder to stomach, pardon the pun. Logically I know my illness was as involuntarily contracted as one who has caught a cold. Before my diagnosis I might have attributed slightly more autonomy over symptoms on one with anorexia or depression than someone with a broken bone, but certainly now that I was living it, I know this wasn’t a matter of choice. I mean, who in their right mind (admittedly, I’m not, by definition) would willingly choose this life of suffering?

Why, then, do I still feel this debilitating guilt?

Why am I still blaming myself?

One reason as I mentioned earlier, is that having this whole guilt/blame combination is a perfect storm for my illness to manipulate and use against me. If I am to blame, then all it tells me is true. I am evil, selfish, shallow. Therefore, I deserve to be punished because I am guilty of wrongdoing, I must continue on the path she set out for me to atone for my sins… despite that path being the origin of the guilt anyway? I know it isn’t perfect logic but mental illnesses aren’t logical and therefore cannot be cured only by reason.

I know a piece of cake won’t hurt me. I know it’s yummy and I know if I ate it nothing would happen. I know all this until I imagine that piece of cake entering my mouth. Suddenly, new rules, fears, abuse. All logic is thrown out the window.

If anorexia did run on logic, I would have cured myself and all others ten times over.

This knowledge, that my illness should have as little “blame” attributed to it than that of a physical illness, therefore should leave everyone exempt from any sort of blame. I know that it derived from a combination of factors out of anyone’s control and I know the facts when it comes to the logic of my thoughts… obviously I, therefore, have no control over my urges and behaviours, right?

Basically, guilt and blame stem from my Eating Disorder as a tool to keep me trapped, I recognize this. However, I still feel this intense element of blame being attributed to me by people I have confided in about my diagnosis. There is more to this pervasive sense of guilt than my illness’ exploitation of that emotion.

Some people’s initial reaction is confusion and judgment. I mean, “just eat, it isn’t that hard?”

These Sane people were now attributing autonomy and freedom of choice to my having this disorder, choice that just wasn’t there. The autonomy that someone with a physical illness wouldn’t be pinned with. Why did they seem to blame me for my illness more than they blamed other sick people for theirs?

I believe this is because society still blames me.

I know I am not the only person who feels this way. We often get more frustrated towards those with mental illness than those who have a physical disease. This lies in the assumption that the sufferer themselves has a choice in the matter of their illness and in turn we blame them for being sick. This reinforces a profound and enduring sense of guilt within the sufferer at being unwell.

I know blame is ill-fitted in my situation, but what does it matter if I know the logic? The world around me, despite claiming they don’t, continues to live with the mindset that people like me have control over their illness. To me, I should be exempt from guilt, to others, I should hang my head in shame.

Exhibit A: A woman and her mentally ill child walk past a homeless drug addict on the street. The mother looks at the misfortune with disdain, turns to her child and says: “I hope you don’t end up like that, how dirty and selfish,”

The mother sees someone who has chosen to live a life of despair and addiction and therefore this person should be blamed for their current living situation.

The child, however, sees a mirror.

Maybe the homeless person’s illness isn’t identical to the child’s, but this child sees a total lack of control over the sufferer’s actions and an identical tortured self-regard. They hear their mother blame the sufferer for their position despite their own connection with this homeless person. Therefore, the child, despite the mother’s intentions, hears their mother blame them for being unwell, too.

This intolerant mentality, although rejected on an intellectual level amongst us “hip, young, politically correct, inclusive westerners”, is subconsciously drilled into us from our youth.

This is bad…but it also makes so much sense.

Evolutionarily, if we were to see another behave in a certain way, we should probably attribute a level of autonomy to that person, right? They chose to do this action of their own accord (assuming no coercion or force was involved). E.g. Someone picks up a stick. Naturally, if this person then turned on me and started wielding that stick wildly, I wouldn’t be fearful of the stick, but of the person wielding it. In another sense, I have attributed freedom and autonomy to the person wielding the stick, not the stick in and of itself.

If this person, now calm and collected, later approached me and said, “I apologize. I was not in control, there is something wrong with my brain.” My choices are to either 1. not believe them because to me, they clearly decided to do this of their own free will OR 2. believe them.

This knowledge, assuming I’ve resigned to believe their lack of control, should exempt them from blame and in turn any feelings of guilt they may feel towards their involuntary behaviour.

In my experience this understanding and forgiveness from others are in short supply. I believe this is true in general in relation to other people who suffer from a mental illness. We are naturally conditioned to assume that when one acts, they act out of their own free will. In terms of my eating disorder this is even more difficult to identify as mental illness symptoms in that a lot of my symptoms are socially sanctioned and even encouraged. i.e. dieting. When considering the logic in attributing free will with action, understandably, we associate more blame to those with a perceived mental illness than those with a physical illness. Either I am mentally ill and driven to do these behaviours out of unhealthy compulsion or I am a vain, autonomous, dick who has fallen into the trap of western ideology.

We know those to be mentally ill to not be in control. To have a malfunction of the mind much like a physically ill person has a physical dysfunction. Therefore, we shouldn’t blame those with mental illness to the degree that we do. However, we do because it’s against our nature not to. Especially when your illness is characterized by abnormal compulsions to do socially acceptable behaviours.

Basically, it’s hard for everyone. We as a society, logically accept the lack of fault in both mental and physical illnesses alike but in practice we attribute more control to those with a mental illness. In large, society suffers in the lack of ability to separate despite having the knowledge and logic to deduce blame not being relevant in a mental illness diagnosis, and the unwell also suffer in that they have to accept that although they are theoretically absolved from blame, they may still feel it because we are only human and naturally attribute behaviour to autonomy.

I believe blame doesn’t have a place in the equation of mental illness OR physical illness. When it is spotted, we should point it out and correct it. We should also approach the blame with understanding, as it is in our nature to associate behaviour with autonomy. This may sound like an excuse for intolerance, but it brings me peace with these unintentionally ignorant people. Rather than evoking frustration and ill-will towards them, recognizing this natural instinct to blame is essential in my being able to absolve myself from guilt. In turn, I can make peace with the people who perpetuated this guilt through misplaced blame.

This battle of separating blame and subsequent guilt from mental illness is a continuous one. It is not in our nature. I hope that one day I will be able to wholly exempt myself from the blame I attribute to myself for getting sick. I hope I accept the fact that those that matter in my life will do the same.

Those that cannot are merely human, much like me.

*she= my personification and separation of my Eating Disorder/Mental Illnesses (i.e. my “negative mind”) and my healthy, true self.

About Aud

I am a 19-year-old Australian teenager who loves learning, studying philosophy and am an avid cryptic crossword solver. I hope to travel, write, and own a lot of dogs. I aspire to become a teacher, a mother, and an advocate for the improvement of mental health services.

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