Today I Call My Body My Own

Martina Pavičić

This is just a body and these thighs are just one part of it. This body – round, warm, soft. This body is just one part of that which makes me what I am. I’ve been at war with this part of myself for more than 30 years. Thirty long dark years. For most my whole life I’ve been at war. A war with myself. I hated this body, I’ve pushed it and shoved it, starved it and cut it, I’ve tortured my body to the very end. I was giving away my body, craving love and life yet despising it down to every cell. Sometimes, when I would take a walk through the city, a flash of my body’s reflection would be shown to me from the store window and immediately I would have a thought “You’re disgusting, I hate you. I will starve you until you’re slim enough. Why can’t you understand that only thin bodies are worth it, and with you – I’m not worth enough.”

I’ve talked this same story to myself in so many ways during all these years. I didn’t know better. All those half-naked pictures that surround us everywhere we look have made me think I wasn’t good enough. I was made to think I wasn’t worthy enough. Not lovable enough. All because my body wasn’t as thin as I was made to believe it should be. In this world, filled with photo shopped, beautified and crippled bodies, I was left with no choice but to hate my own. In its roundness and shape, my body couldn’t compete with standards of beauty set by all these magazines, movies, TV shows, commercials and ads. These women didn’t look like I do and I simply didn’t know they aren’t real. No matter how alluring and attractive they might appear, these paper women aren’t real, they do not exist.

Filled with all this hate, anxiety and apathy against my own body, I was lucky enough not to reach a point where I would develop eating disorders like anorexia and bulimia. Over the years, my body varied in weight greatly. I’ve gone through phases of starving myself and phases of tolerating the softness of my body. My weight has never fallen under the recommended body fat index but I was lucky enough for not developing eating disorders, but still my hate for myself was there all the same. I’ve hidden it all with my personality, choice of clothing and a lot of make-up.

Over the years, I’ve successfully hidden all these deep insecurities. Today marks one year since a complete turnaround in my life which deeply affected every part of my life including my views on physical appearance. I have finally come to understand that I am more than this body. I have understood that my value doesn’t lie in sizes and appearances. Finally, I have seen that this beautiful, soft and powerful body is the temple of my soul. Soul that moves me, soul that lives, dreams, helps and loves. I have been living in this body ever since I was born and it has carried me forward even when its heart was broken. It has completed every task I have ever requested of it. This body was my friend from the very beginning. And I hated it.

Today, that hatred stops. Today, I call this body my own. Today, I love my body exactly as it is. Soft, warm, gentle. And even though I still see fat parts of it, today these fat parts are part of me. I’m writing this experience with the intention to offer support for over 100 000 people suffering from eating disorders in Croatia alone. Behind this number, there are real people. Real people who didn’t choose to live with this disorder. Yet, they still chose to live and are faced with daily prejudice and bigotry. I have met some of these women and all of them said the same thing to me: “Nobody understands me.”

Unfortunately, in Croatia it’s impossible for people suffering from this disorder to get proper help because there’s no institution dedicated to treating this illness. If it happens that your friend, sister, mother or daughter develops an eating disorder, they won’t be able to get professional and sorely needed health protection since there are no doctors in Croatia with specialization in eating disorders. On the other hand, we have a certain number of health workers dealing with symptoms caused by this disorder. They are trying to help as much as they can, but they agree we are missing proper collaboration between institutions which would help us solve some of the problems these people are facing every day.

Because of these facts, one father has been waiting daily at Flower Square in Zagreb, asking for help and change which would help his daughter which is suffering from this disorder. He is still waiting there as he has been for the past eight years. His name is Hrvoje Rendulić and in media he has been termed Don Quixote because he simply refuses to give up on his fight against windmills of the health care system. He has been in charge of the association “Nada” which has been active for the past twenty years trying to help people suffering from eating disorders. Association “Nada” is part of the world organization “Academy of Eating Disorders” which gathers over 200 associations from more than 50 countries that are trying to solve this global pandemic. If any of my virtual and real-life friends see him standing at Flower Square, please don’t hesitate to approach him and say a kind word. In this fight to help people with this disorder, any kind of support would mean a world to him.

This is my message to all the girls, women and all others suffering from eating disorders who are afraid of public condemnation and shame it would bring, aren’t yet ready to publicly speak about their problems. This is one of the reasons I’ve decided to join the team working in the association “Nada” and help them in their battle to gain rightfully deserved recognition. I want to help because I have seen what suffering and destruction this disorder brings.

My dear girls, women, mothers, grandmothers and daughters (including 15% of men suffering from this disorder), I see you, I hear you and I want you to know that you are not alone. At Tuesday, on 2nd of June 2020, we will mark your day and color the Internet in the color purple (an international color that signifies eating disorder) as a sign that there are people out there who hear your pain and support you demands to be granted this basic human right. Right to be recognized and helped by the health care institutions. You are not alone. Your voice is being heard.

About Martina Pavičić

Martina i san ED survivor and mother of two beautiful boys. Martina decided to share her story in hope to help others and to let them know that she was one of many sufferers in Croatia, that she feels their pain and understand them. She wants to let them to know that they are not alone.

World Eating Disorders Action Day

World Eating Disorders Action Day is taking place across the world on June 2, 2020. For the 5th year running, this grassroots campaign brings together ALL OF YOU from more than 50 countries and over 250 organizations around the globe to increase awareness about EDs and evidence-based treatment. EDs are life threatening, brain-based disorders, with genetic linkages and metabolic factors. They are also possible to treat, especially when identified and treated EARLY.

Join us in sharing the information posted on this page, and the stories we share! We welcome stories of up to 800 words – that help to break stigma by sharing your experiences, and particularly how you have been impacted by, and are coping with the challenges of, COVID19. Also, keep checking the website www.worldeatingdisordersday.org for news of events.

To submit your story for this blog, write to: worldeatingdisorderday@gmail.com and june@junealexander.com

Remember to #StaySafe #StayHome and #ShareYourStory