The Beautiful and Healing Discovery of Imperfection
By Serena
“The opposite of addiction is connection” – Johann Hari
This is a love story, a story of self-love.
It took me time to gain the confidence and strength to speak about the stigma of eating disorders. There is much to do to raise awareness of the subtle but wide presence of eating disorders around us.
Today, I can write about my experience publicly not only because I was lucky enough to fight and overcome the eating disorder enemy, but also because I went through a process of deep understanding and strong inner growth. Many “normal-weighted” people are struggling with the same issue. The crucial element, from my point of view, relies on how the topic has been addressed so far – eating disorders are more prevalent than most people know and obsession with food or body shape is often hidden within people.
Despite my appearance, I looked like physically healthy and wore the biggest smile on my face – masking a total feeling of inadequacy within, which together with the self-belief that I was a burden for other people, generated a vicious circle. All I needed was understanding and support, and the realization that, as human beings, we are all beautifully imperfect.
Facing the truth was not easy. I was not ready to recognize or admit to myself that I was having a problem with food. Rationally, I had all the elements providing the evidence that something was not right (days with swollen and unusual stomach pain, looking for excuses not to hang out with friends, dissatisfaction – basically, I was not that woman I knew I could be and wanted to be). Only when the nutritionist told me the hard truth, I could not deny it anymore. It was terribly painful – crying was the instinct reaction – however, what was left of my determination drove me to engage myself in the long path of fighting against my illness.
Recovery took time, patience and required the multi-presence and co- existence of several factors.
• Self-commitment: it is a long path, the process is non-linear and full of emotional ups and downs, it was up to me to decide to give up or not accept professional assistance: as eating disorders are symptoms concealing emotional distress, the involvement of a therapist was crucial.
• There is no magic wand – the more you give, the more you get – it is the most vulnerable version of oneself in the hands of an ally.
• Discomfort is part of the recovery work – support from and reliance on a few special people (in my own case, my mum and my closest friends):, I courageously decided to be honest, at least, with them; I needed someone to talk with and to be there just to listen. Undoubtedly, what I felt along my personal, hard and intense process cannot be experienced by people I was surrounded by, but for me it was of vital importance to share part of my journey with them.
• Food cravings are anything but responses to food deficit, what I was filling up through food was the absence of something far more radical – love. Love was given to me, but It was something I refused, since I was not authorized to deserve It (of course, this was all in my mind).
There was nothing in me which did not deserve Love, except one thing: I was not perfect.
Perfection, according to my past mindset, was a reachable must, whose achievement was possible by muting vulnerability, weakness, fear and sadness – so, all I did when these emotions arose was not to show them, despite feeling them inside so badly. The result of denying such emotions did not allow me to listen to and understand how to cope with them – the only solution I had was to please them by feeding, for food did not judge my imperfection.
Getting to this outcome and processing it was hard enough. It might sound strange, but for a rational person like me, devoted only to logical left-side of the brain, accepting that emotions are essentials and vital guidelines to orient our life was disruptive, meant I had to allow myself to be who I really am – imperfections included, and beyond that “box” built by externally imposed strictures and conventions.
My mindset, nourished with the seeds provided during the recovery path and fertile for a gradual shifting, gradually embraced the change. It is the greatest, priceless gift I have done for myself!
I have learned to live my emotions, to let go of my feelings, to share my thoughts.
At the beginning, taking the leap required a huge amount of courage, but now I can firmly state that the effort was worth it: opening my heart has revealed to be powerfully healing. I have started feeling liberated, empowered, and bright. The confidence of “being true to myself” has created a sort of “empathic osmosis” – the more I show my human side, the more I feel understood; the more I give space to the flow of emotions, the more I feel connected with people I truly need …imperfect human beings like me.
Facing the pain and vulnerability in my heart with an open mind and without judgment has also contributed to a renewed sense of freedom – I have learned to resize missteps and to take action towards bold and heart-driven choices.
I truly believe that “when you open to the world, the world opens to you” – so, it is time for each of us to consciously open our mind towards the stigma of eating disorders. A community of people is waiting for our lovely hugs.
About Serena
I am an Italian woman, who suffered from eating disorders for a long time. The recovery path was crucial to fight my addiction, and now I feel confident, empowered, and committed to sharing my experience and putting my energy into raising awareness on this illness. Also, I have started to cooperate with the Italian organization “Mi Nutro di Vita” to give concrete support to all those people and their beloved ones struggling with an eating disorder.
World Eating Disorders Action Day
World Eating Disorders Action Day is taking place across the world on June 2, 2020. For the 5th year running, this grassroots campaign brings together ALL OF YOU from more than 50 countries and over 250 organizations around the globe to increase awareness about EDs and evidence-based treatment. EDs are life threatening, brain-based disorders, with genetic linkages and metabolic factors. They are also possible to treat, especially when identified and treated EARLY.
Join us in sharing the information posted on this page, and the stories we share! We welcome stories of up to 800 words – that help to break stigma by sharing your experiences, and particularly how you have been impacted by, and are coping with the challenges of, COVID19. Also, keep checking the website www.worldeatingdisordersday.org for news of events.
To submit your story for this blog, write to: worldeatingdisorderday@gmail.com and june@junealexander.com
Remember to #StaySafe #StayHome and #ShareYourStory