I did not believe in recovery. Now I do, at 22
Hi. I’m E., I’m 22 and I finally feel alive.
I’ve spent one third of my life living with – not fighting against – anorexia. I got sick very early. I knew there was something wrong, but the disease was the solution to everything that made me scared and that hurt me. That’s why, for several years, I refused all kind of help. Went through hospital visits, hospitalizations, pain and I felt that was torture. Everyone who tried to help me was an enemy and I hated them. I didn’t want to exist, I wanted to show to the world that I was dying inside.
I was wrong…gosh, I was wrong.
I’m 22 but I like to say I am one. This is because, a year ago, for the first time, I asked for help. I was just so, so tired…I did not want to be better; I did not want to heal…just tired. Couldn’t fight everyone anymore.
I was not aware, but my body was; it was terrified because it knew it was slowly dying, so it started giving me panic attacks and actual physical pain. I decided to check myself into a clinic. I just thought “if it goes well, that’s fine. If it doesn’t fine as well, I’m just here to rest for a while from the world.”
Ended up that was the best decision I’ve ever made. I started to eat, started to think and feel, and suddenly I was not my body anymore. I was not just anorexic. I was alive. I was laughing. I was loving, I was me.
Recovery isn’t easy. Recovery means pain, means accepting the pain and feeling it, not hiding from it by torturing your body. But recovery is worth it and it’s possible. It’s never too late.
If you are suffering and waiting for the moment, you’ll be 100% sure you want to heal…I don’t think that moment will ever come. It’s never a clear decision and you’ll always be thinking you want to quit. But you keep going. Slowly you’ll learn to understand your pain.
For me, I was too scared to grow up, I didn’t feel worth it, I felt empty and was too afraid to take on responsibilities. I didn’t know how to face all of this, how to talk about it, so I started using my body to communicate…until it became an addiction. I just needed to feel safe and being anorexic, at first, made me feel so protected. But I was not safe, and I realized I’m not empty at all, and that life is amazing, even when it’s boring and things don’t go well.
I would like to say to everyone who’s struggling: you have the right to live too, there’s nothing wrong with you. You are just feeling a lot of confused stuff. There’s so much you can do and so much you can be…but don’t worry: you’ll never go back to that person you hated so much to destroy her/him. That was just someone who was suffering and in need of a solution. You are not your past, you can be a whole, new, wonderful human being.
Take a chance, believe. You’ll finally understand who you truly are and that will be your greatest strength.
World Eating Disorders Action Day
World Eating Disorders Action Day is taking place across the world on June 2, 2020. For the 5th year running, this grassroots campaign brings together ALL OF YOU from more than 50 countries and over 250 organizations around the globe to increase awareness about EDs and evidence-based treatment. EDs are life threatening, brain-based disorders, with genetic linkages and metabolic factors. They are also possible to treat, especially when identified and treated EARLY.
Join us in sharing the information posted on this page, and the stories we share! We welcome stories of up to 800 words – that help to break stigma by sharing your experiences, and particularly how you have been impacted by, and are coping with the challenges of, COVID19. Also, keep checking the website www.worldeatingdisordersday.org for news of events.
To submit your story for this blog, write to: worldeatingdisorderday@gmail.com and june@junealexander.com
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